If I'm God, save me from myself

Director Bala, in intermittent conversation with Kriti
(because he values her opinion)

Three years back

B: I'm planning to make another film.
K: Sure. Do go ahead.
B: It's about an Aghori who is plucked from his habitat in Kashi.
K: Aghori? Oh, that stuff reminds me of Kipling's The Strange Ride of Morrowbie Jukes.
B: Stop pretending to know all about everything. Do you know how the plot is going to unfold?
K: [Peeved] I'm sure you don't either.
B: [Changing the subject] These are abstract ideas - good and evil, life and death, salvation and rebirth. It is for the cognescenti to comprehend all that and present it in a manner a lay person would understand.
K: Highly convenient that cinema is toted to be something everyone easily understands. Anyway, why would you want to take some Aghori out of his Kashi context? Where would you put him?
B: Is that so tough to figure? Obviously interior Tamil Nadu, where I can use my creative genius to the fullest. From my experience I have come to know that urban Chennaiites believe whatever we film-makers portray in our movies about rural Tamil Nadu as absolutely true.
K: I've noticed. Churn out a new concept amidst gory scenes, and rest assured the coffers will fill - isn't that your style? Plenty of scope for your Aghori to turn cannibalistic!
B: Great idea, though I don't think our Censor Board will approve... Sigh!
K: Ummm... I get the feeling you're willing to devote some more time into developing the story. I errr... have to meet someone. Before you ask, we're just friends.
B: [Levers moving furiously in his brain] Aghori shunning cannibalism... Aghori being a cannibal... Aghori saving someone from a cannibal and getting a Man Friday...
Uh, yeah... Carry on...
Aghori falling in love with a cannibal...

Some two and a half years back

B: Which character did you find most striking in Oliver Twist?
K: The Artful Dodger.
B: I've scripted him into my Aghori movie. Him and Fagin.
K: Kewl! I guess it makes life so much easier when well-etched characters are readily available. So, what's the connection between the thieves and hermit?
B: Give me SOME credit! My story doesn't have petty thieves. It showcases the sad plight of beggars, how they...
K: Let me guess - how they have some kind of a monster for a master, but sure enough there is a kind soul in the group who is unfortunately cornered, who is helpless.
B: Wow?! Something told me this is the right thing an Aghori should battle against. Though how these two are to be linked beats me...
K: Oh, it will come along. If you don't mind, I have some recruitment to do.

One year back

K: Beggar cast ready?
B: Almost. Arya and Pooja strike well together, don't they?
K: [Dreamily] "Biriyani-ya kushka-va?"
B: What? Oh! I'm counting on just that effect which Arya has on women.
K: ARYA?!!! The best choice to show off a near-nude bod ! You'd have to use dubbing, though. The poor dear has a sad knack of making Tamizh sound so painful... But then, being an Aghori he won't have a lot of dialogues, would he?
B: In Tamizh no, but in Sanskrit and even a little Hindi. I'm leaving no stone unturned to make my story sound credible.
K: Story...???
B: Go away! Get on with banging on your ERP system. I've got loads of work...

Six months back

K: What's with the "Aham Brahmasmi"? If he's Brahma, the Creator, how come he believes himself to be Kaal Bhairav, the Destroyer?
B: No wonder folks call you Miss Curious. Did you enjoy watching Arya?
K: I enjoyed the way his hair magically combs itself whenever his eyes need to be seen.
B: An actor should always look presentable. Or else he would lose his appeal. But I did bestow immense care on his costume.
K: Yeah, I noticed his sandals changed to Fitness shoes when he had to go jumping from rock to rock.
B: Anyway, I've successfully moved the Tamizh cinema-goers away from the run-of-the-mill romances and the humble hero fighting social evils.
K: By getting God in human form to end human trafficking. Tell me, what is it that Pooja was trying to convey towards the end? Do you think talking endlessly was her method of settling scores with Arya for hearing her sing the first time?
B: In case a Hollywood buff didn't realise, Naan Kadavul is the first of it's kind in Indian cinema.
K: I bet you expect an award is not far away - for Best Story!
B: Naah... Awards are not my style.
K: Whatever. People in Europe are waiting for me...
B: It's God's blessings that I seek. Om Aghoraaya Namaha!

Very recent past

B: It feels wonderful that the audience is comparing my film with Saw and Apocalypto... While my only intention was to prove to Surya and Vikram that they have competition!
K: Are you buying them DVDs of Fear Factor? Reality shows can also bring out the actors in people...
B: Eh?
K: Don't bother. I'll go run the payroll. And entertain myself by watching English movies on TV.

Disclaimer:

1. It pains me to reveal that Bala had never taken any directions from me.
2. There are those who believe the film is good and hard-hitting. I silently snigger.